Maralisms

What are Maralisms? They are what I call it when I, or one of my friends says something amusing, and sometimes when I hear something amusing out of context. I keep a little log book of them, right here..

Maralisms: A Casual Quote Book of Snark


Some silly things said by me or my friends. Unless otherwise stated, it was probably me. (in a train station in Turkey) Lily: I have no idea what train to take.
Alec: We’ll just get on a train and trust it will be the right one. We’ve done that, like in Paris. We might end up in the bordering country, so like, we might have ended up in Germany. What’s the worst place we could end up here?
Lily: Iraq.
Alec: Oh. ?

Alec: Your bunny just sent you a text message and said to feed her treats.
Maralily: No she didn't. She doesn't have any thumbs.

Maralily: Sweetie, you are supposed to go to a meeting at 5pm, and it is 5pm right now.
Alec: .......
Maralily: Alec, go to your meeting...
Alec: .......
Maralily: He who hesitates, is still here!

Doctor Nino: How have your eyes been? Have you had any problems seeing distances?
Maralily: I don't know. I haven't been looking.

Maralily: Crackers don't fly.
Alec: I know, but I thought I'd try.
After an attempt to toss a package of Saltines rather
than walk over and give them to her.

Alec: What the hell is 'prehistory'?
Maralily: That's everything that happened before anything happened.

Jonnie: Tell them it's 'to go'.
-at the drivethrough window at Burger King

"I am learning to appreciate the impending apocalypse."
-Maralily, about reading multiple books on supernovas

"Dude, you got outsmarted by a bunny? She is basically meat with eyes!"
-Maralily, when Alec could not catch the rabbit

"I think that when you refer to an orgasm as a 'clitical hit' you are too much of a gamer."
-Maralily, about measuring nerdiness

"I been droppin' science, yo! My code name is Ethyl Heptane."
-Maralily, after waaaay too long in chemistry books

"Your gramdma IS my psychic whore!"
-overheard at a grocery store

Lady at Ancon Theater: Dajha, that is such a cool name! What's your last name?
Maralily (Dajha): Pimplefart.
Lady at Ancon Theater: Oh... wow.

"I'm not bitter, just vengeful."
-Alec

? “God only knows what inspired him to wear anything that made it necessary for us to be on such intimate terms with his grody love junk, but ya gotta admire that kind of conviction.” -on David Bowie’s “Ziggy Stardust” character ?

"David Bowie looks like a tired, coked-to-the-gills whore, but here's what I love: David Bowie looks like a tired, coked-to-the-gills whore." -while watching Ziggy Stardust ?

“There is no lyrics sheet in the world that will convince me that on the supposed "you're squawking like a pink monkey bird" line he isn't actually saying "you smoke a load of big monkey turd." Listen to it again. Search your feelings. You know it to be true.” -on Bowie music ?

“Thank God that Pokemon shit is over.” -randomly after hours of silence. ?

“Jack is just a simple person. Not a lot going on upstairs and kind of goofy-dumb. I love him though. I love him the same way I love Pong.” ?

“Nice don’t feed the bulldog.” -when told I was not very “nice” ?

“What happened to El Nino? Everybody just forgot about El Nino.” -me, drunk ?

“I should have seen Styx!” -me, after being trampled and almost choked to death at a concert festival in Arizona. The Goo Goo Dolls and Styx played on two stages. I was at the Goo Goo Dolls show. ?

Clementina: “You want to see the Sistine Chapel, don't you?”
Me: “Why? I'm not Catholic.” ?

“I have a vision of what Hell might be like. Something like continuos Kenny G., or having to tongue bathe Marilyn Manson.” ?

“He clearly has not advanced beyond the notochord stage.” -on Pres Bush ?

My five year old cousin: “Guess what? I’m gay!”
Me: “I know. Your face is symetrical.” ?

Me: "I smell like garlic."
Brian: "Maybe you're possessed by an evil spirit."
Me: "If all it does is smell like garlic, that's fine by me.” ?

“I’m going to spend 20 years in the clink and then quietly retire from a life of crime, holed up in some assisted living home, playing Yahtzee with the guys from Enron while their ankle bracelets beep hypnotically in the background.” ?

“I make friends about as easily as The Swiss Family Robinson made ice.” ?

Me: “Hello.”
Jack: “You seem happy today.”
Me: “Hello is the new fuck you.” ?

"Vague: adj. Sort of a way you can be about things." -explaining a good idea for a dictionary entry ?

Me: "I'll try anything once."
April: "What about the time when..."
Me: "...or twice.” ?

X: Lily, what did you do at work today?
A Dozen Of My Gathered Friends In Unison: DON'T! (I used to work in a morgue) ?
Me: Why can you talk to people about your interests and I can't?
X: Because I'm not interested in cadavers.
Me: (to five of my friends in the room) Is she right?
Friends: YES! ?

“You can choose a specialized study of forensic sciences that almost guarantees you won’t have to put your finger in anyone’s ass.” -me, explaining fields of study in forensics
?
“Kick him and run!” - shouted in rehearsal during a kissing scene in “I hate Hamlet” ?

"Four times a year, I start wanting a car. It’s Congenital Seasonal Fahrvegnugen." ?

Jack: What are you singing?
Me: Maneater, ya know, Hall and Oats. Great song... (singing) Sing with me... oh here she comes... come on, don't pretend like you don't know the words cause I fucking know you know ‘em...you don't NOT know Maneater!” ?

Me: (on the phone) I hear water. Are you in the bathtub?
Nataniel: Yep.
Me: What if you drop the phone?
Nataniel: You'd drown. ?

"It's a good thing that when you accidently call your own house, from your house, that you get a busy signal. If it started ringing then you would be talking to yourself when you answered, and that would be weird." ?

Kyle: Ok, so you are pissed off, but get used to bottling it up. Just write it down instead of saying it.
Me: (after several minutes of writing) Is asshole hyphenated? ?

“I hate grapes, because grapes are raisins and raisins are just silly.” ?

(Written on a restaurant's comment card. It won me a free meal.)
"Your tiny establishment pleases me, puny mortal. I shall let you live! However, you will see my mighty wingspan and FEAR ME!" ?

"I don't know what the hell I was on when I wrote some of these chapters. It was some of that bad Guatemalan hash; now that I'm on this great Puerto Rican hash, I'm thinking much more clearly." -on writing a book ?

"It makes me feel like I just dropped trou for a hillbilly Balrog." -when asked by a TV reporter about placing last in the AMTA (music competition) in Alabama ?

"Oooh, he's like Jim Morrison and Dave Grohl'd unholy love child - and what a magnificent beast!" -about Kan'Nal's lead singer.?

"Stupid is as stupid administrates." -in the administration office of a local hospital. ?

"Attaching the electrodes of knowledge to the nipples of ignorance.”
-stated on my business card ?

"At family gatherings, my mother’s alcoholism, my father’s fanatical militarist statements and my brother’s latent homosexuality combine to create the perfect storm." ?

"Be like the reeds. That’s my philosophy. Bend with the wind, and conceal ducks."

? "…In some ways death is better than sex though. Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you." ?

"I used to rant and rave about the failures of humankind, but lately my pent up frustrations have settled into a high pitched tone that only dogs and Dr. Phil can hear."

? "I am sure that shooting grape soda out of my nose erased any aura of feminine mystique." -after laughing too hard in front of a room full of attractive men. ?

"Yeah, everybody wants to be Hootie, but most are just blowfish." -my Grampa

? "Mine are a buck a piece. - the waitress at McDonald's, after hearing me read the "Smiles are Free" sign on the menu out loud. ?

"Well, I guess every homicidal maniac needs an unholy army of the night." -to a friend who has many large scary dogs.

? "It was a stupid little talent show and we did this junior high school rap that today would make Kid & Play jealous...if they aren’t homeless."

? "It better be Brad Pitt, buck naked, with a bucket of chicken!" -in response to the doorbell ringing at 3 am.

? "I've said it once, I'll say it again: 'Too many monkeys.' -an Indian taxi driver while stuck in traffic.

? "Everything in moderation - but dammit, EVERYTHING!" -my motto in life.

? "I am the ultimate grand master of reverse continuity, and you wanna know why? Because there is no roman numeral for zero." -me (drunk)

? "Ok, you guys said I could lick the frosting spoon. So where is it? (long pause) When do I get to lick something?" -me, helping bake a cake, in a kitchen full of lesbians.

? "I like it when they buckle me in kinda loose so I flop around a lot." -on roller coasters, really.

? "For some people the lights are but no one is home, but for you the lights are on, no one is home and there is a walrus in the bathtub." -my Grampa ?

As said by Steve, who wears a leg prostesis, when he was upset with me:
"Don't make me take my leg off and dust your ass with it." ?

"You've all missed the point. We're on the verge of a Moon Pie shortage. The President has vision, and you guys just can't admit it." -discussing President Bush's idea of going to the moon. ?

"So are you going to stab yourself through the chest and burst into flames or not? Because it would really come in handy right about now."

? "I’m rated PG - for comic nudity and strong language."

? "She is a fitness instructor but she is an alcoholic. That's a paradox. Seriously, I don't trust getting my body care advice from a woman with a liver held loosely in place by sticky tape and gum."

? "Winners always get the guy. The rest of us stay home and eat cereal."

? "The concept is brilliant. The straight guy basically says; 'Yes! I must invite this troupe of homos over to my ghetto Bushwack apartment and tell them to fag me up!' It has the vibe of an underground kidney-harvesting ring, for sure." -about Queer Eye for The Straight guy ?

Damian: You're sweet.
Me: That's why the flies love me. ?

"Kids can buy bullets, but they have to throw them at people." -explaining Wal-Mart's policy of requiring you to be 21 to buy guns but only 16 to buy ammo. ?

"I was just thinking, I wonder what my life would be like if I were retarded, you know. How would I live life? And then I got to thinking about that and I realized my life wouldn't be a whole lot different than it is now. You think I can get funding?" -very seriously.

? "It's just editing the movie of life." -on killing people.

? "Does anyone else remember the other two chefs in Cinnamon Toast Crunch? Its like one day Wendel was the only one left. It was the first hostile takeover in the history of sugar based cereal." ?

"Look, I love you dearly but if you get hit by a car I am going to laugh." -while a friend was playing around and acting stupid in the middle of the street. ?

"So, do you think the Village People knew they were all gay when then got together, or do you think they just found out at a rehearsal?" -breaking a twenty minute silence.

? "It was just a dream but still I woke up and I was like, WOAH! Walking pineapple!"

? CAROL: What exactly do you want?
MARALILY: An AK-47 and a good vantage point.

? ALEC: Snoop Dogg is doing AOL commercials?
MARALILY: That is so gangsta. ?

"Flan, it's the grown up Jello." ?

"If you're anything like me... and I know I am..."

? "It makes me happy to know that hat wearing people are reproducing." -when a family of seven were seen all wearing hats. ?

KAREN: Um...were you just putting those Beanie Babies in sexually suggestive positions?
MARALILY: No. But look what you can do with them! (proceeds to put the Beanie Babies in sexually suggestive positions.) ?

MARALILY: I got a pack of Otter Pops from the freezer and I can use them to ice my knee.
DANI: Why don't you use the ice pack?
MARALILY: Cuz you can't drink an ice pack when it melts. ?

ALEC: That rabbit hates you. You constantly torment it.
MARALILY: It likes me! It's happy, look...
ALEC: No, there's a difference between torment and happy.
MARALILY: Maybe for you.

?
ALEC: The paint fumes are really strong in here. Why don’t you take a break and save the painting for later? MARALILY: The big purple clown dancing on the neon cow told me I can't. ?

SHARON: I have such a crush on him. I can't help it.
MARALILY: Of course you do. He's smart, he's educated, he is drop dead gorgeous, has beautiful eyes, and he's funny and sweet and talented.
SHARON: He's gay, isn't he?
MARALILY: Like a tree full of parakeets. ?

"They're changing Addison Street to be called Norida Street. What does that mean? It's random! Just go about changing the names of things! It's going to be like that everywhere soon. Just watch. Soon, China will be called Hatrack and New Zealand will be Melba Toast."

? "Hello! Birth control to major Tom!" -at a party while holding up an unidentified birth control pack that had fallen out of someone's purse and trying to locate its owner. ?

MARALILY: You're not going to wear that are you?
ALEC: Yeah, why not?
MARALILY: It's hideous.
ALEC: Says who?
MARALILY: Bauche and Lomb.

? "Oh eat the waffle, you spoiled immature, bourgeois little capitalist!" -at IHOP, when a kid I was baby-sitting refused to eat a waffle because it had blueberries in it. ?

CASEY: That girl found a bean sprout in her nose! I mean really, how does someone find a bean sprout in their nose? How do you not know it was there for so long?
MARALILY: Well, I found a spaghetti noodle in my ear once.

?
"The only time a guy really knows what his penis is doing is when it happens to bump into things."
- my husband, Alec.

? "I would shit in my pants." -deadpan, while watching the dead girl come out of the TV in The Ring. ?

Maralily: Don't let him upset you. Really, growing the patience it takes to put up with a person like him takes a lifetime. Nataniel: Yeah, but holding him down and duct taping his mouth shut only takes a few seconds.

? "Everything was going just fine and then, BAM! Weiner in the meat grinder!" -my husband, Alec. ?

(Maralily & Sharon, while at a talent agency on a day when a bunch of rail thin models were there to submit resumes) RAIL THIN MODEL CHICK: Oh, are you the reps from the lawyers office?
MARALILY: Yes, we’re with the law firm of Haagen and Daaz. ?

"I apologize to you whose feelings I might have hurt with my scatological, deviant sarcasm. Oh, but you are still a cankerous tool." ?

"Listening to British people talk is like watching a public service message about hiring retards. Its depressing but somehow compelling and you cant look away." -to an equally catty British friend. ?

"Nothing says 'I Love Anal' like really bad 80's music." ?

"I thought Josh was gay for a long time and then I found out he’s not gay- he’s Canadian."

? "All I ever wanted was to be their beloved daughter, but no! I had to be the little slave girl!" -Maralily, on playing house as a child. ?

"Check out this tapestry...it's like the tree of life or the tree of knowledge or some shit." -Maralily, at The National Gallery, Ireland.

? "Well if I'm not mistaken you have a fine set that would stand out and fit into the right costumes for women pirates or slave bitches." -Danny, my husband’s employee, to me ?

Francine: "You know what's weird?"
Maralily: "How Jello works?" ?

"It's like what they say in Buddhism, when you pee on a penny, you will come back and be a peed-on penny."

? "I’m always the girl that jumps out of the cake, never the bride." -me, at my wedding.

? "Well, that's exciting in its own little way." - Maralily, reading an advertisement for a bidet.

? "I never watch Sesame Street. I know most of that stuff." ?

"Okay, there's a difference between love and screwing. Love is all gentle and sweet and stuff, and screwing is just going BOOM BOOM BOOM AS HARD AS YOU CAN!" -Ryan, on a busy street, with accompanying motions. ?

"I wonder what they'd do if a whole herd of buffalo fell asleep on a road. Or a whole herd of anything for that matter. Except ants. If it were ants, they'd just run right over them. But the point is, buffalo sleep standing up."

? "If ever you get angry at life you can blame Iron 56 for putting you here. It is the most stable nuclei. Because of Iron 56, fission and fusion over the years have created everything in the universe! This is the most important piece of physics there ever was and ever will be, according to my book." ?

"I don’t understand any of this. I am completely lost. I’m like Ray Charles with a Where’s Waldo book." ?

"That girl is no ordinary ho. Oh no. That girl is raking rice fields in Bangladesh." ?

"If we don't come back, avenge our deaths!" -at Ren Faire, in costume, preparing for a road trip. ?

"You just wind up the bullshit doll and see what happens." -on acting technique at UCSC drama workshop.

? "Its my irresistible ass of granite, damn its siren call." -when a stranger was staring. ?

"Wow, I didn't know Hell was catered!" -at a Desktop Drama gala party. ?

"Try that again and I will kick you down so fast you will be at a loss for an appropriate metaphor."

? "I could be just like you. I mean, all I need is a lobotomy and some nylons." ?

"Vagina scented incense? That is really bizarre. And I don't think that sells very well, because really, who wants their house to smell like vagina? I mean, it isn't a place that gets a whole lot of sunlight." - to an incense seller at a flea market. The booth offered incense of various scents. One was labeled "Vagina."

? "The next person who puts butter on my sandwich, gets violated." -in London, where they put butter on sandwiches.

? MARALILY: "Maybe I should get a male stripper to grind around and make this party more
interesting. A Chippendales dancer..."
JONNIE: "I could do it. I'll get naked and grind."
MARALILY: "I said Chippendale, not Chips Ahoy." ?

"Interrupt again and I shall have you shaved, tickled and destroyed!"

? "I could be an X-Man, I mean, I'm practically a mutant anyway and (sneeze) I have weird hair (sneeze, cough) and I can use a super power like...um...(sneeze)...well, I can't really (sneeze) seem to do anything but sneeze and hack up a lung, so I guess I would be Snot, the X-Girl. (sneeze) Fear me." -after X-Men 2

? "Yes, they say you're supposed to 'breathe normally' if the plane starts to go down. Of course, I always breathe normally when I am in a 20,000 foot uncontrolled vertical dive. (long pause) I shit my pants normally too." -on a very small aircraft during a rain storm- ?

"My grandmother never really spanked me. Well, she did once but that was for eating bleach under the sink."

? "Yeah next year I am planning on staying home and being kind of domestic for a while and settling down...(long pause)...or maybe going to China." ?

? KEATA: "I think I need spiritual fulfillment. I feel empty, you know?"
Nasneen: "Shut up, I'm watching cartoons." ?

"It's like you have the eyes of ten people. (pause) Oh, not like, in a jar or anything." - to a friend with interesting eyes. ?

(While getting eyebrows plucked at a salon) Priet: Eastern philosophers believed that external beauty was actually achieved by inner piece and tranquility... Maralily: Yeah, well Eastern Europeans believed it was achieved by drinking the blood of virgins, so it seems there is quite a range there.

? "I could do something useful and finish packing the boxes and doing errands like a good girl or I could sit on my ass in front of the computer and type in my journal. Hmm. Hiss hiss, come and bite the apple of procrastination." ?

BRIAN: "I'm trying to give a speech here. Why do you keep staring at my ass?"
MARALILY: "I'm lip reading."

? "I have no fear of airplanes in general, not large ones anyway, but I don't like those little Buddy Holly planes. They make me nervous." -on flying. ?

"I think 90% of the humans on Earth are idiots and that 89% of them should be sterilized (you have to have a one percent moron factor to make it fun.) I think 89% of humanity, two of the Spice Girls and whoever made that movie Resident Evil should be sterilized." ?

"The lead singer sang like a retard eating hotwings. All I could think was "Oh shit, where's the beer guy?" -on Alanis Morisette's opening act "Big Fat Hen" at a concert in Panama ?

"He wants to start a family with this woman? My wedding advice is, herpes is forever." -on watching a video for a love song where a guy asks the girl to be his wife. ?